Laughter

I woke up this morning telling Dale I just want to run away. I don't want to be known as the mother who tragically lost her baby. I want to be known as the mother who prayed earnestly for a child the last four years and had her prayers answered. I don't want to be known as the mother who is strong, who spoke at her daughter's funeral, who can smile despite her grief. I just want to be known as Rebekah's mom.

Today I would have been preparing to come home from the hospital to bring Rebekah home to our family. My heart aches for how things would have been. How excited and bustling our home would have been awaiting for our arrival. The kids had already planned a Welcome Home banner. That never happened. That breaks my heart.

I looked at some pictures of her last night. She was so beautiful. A girl version of my youngest. I loved her sweet swirl of hair on the back of her head. I cupped my hand over her head to imprint in my mind the feeling of holding her head as I nursed. It felt so right. Like her head was made just for my hands. Oh, how I long to hold her...to kiss her sweet little cheeks...my heart hurts so!

We have been encouraged by those around us. The phone calls, letters, emails, meals.... It is so good to be around people that love our family. I laughed so hard yesterday with two ladies that I had to hold my incision to keep from hurting myself. It felt good to hear that laugh come out of me. To know there is something deep inside of me instead of tears.

"Those who sow in tears will reap songs of joy. " Psalms 126:5