1 month

So, tomorrow will be a month. I have made baby steps from that heartbreaking day, but yet still feel like I have a long way to go. The pain is not as raw as those first few days, but it is still there-ever present. No matter how I try to go back to some normalcy, my mind still drifts back to our sweet Rebekah. This reminds me of my 8 year old who just lost her tooth. I told her that my grandma used to say if you don't stick your tongue through that hole, you'll grow a gold tooth. She tried to resist, and even made it through half of a day, but eventually that urge was too great and she succumbed to feeling that hole (of course I told her it was an old wives' tale, but she was still up for the challenge).

Like her, I try not to let me mind go there, but the urge is too great. I try to understand, to comprehend that gaping hole in my heart and in my life. But I can't. I still have many questions, still struggling on issues, but I know I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this alone.

So, I look up toward Him.

Sometimes I only look up halfway because I am so upset. Sometimes I look full-face with tears streaming and questions begging for answers. And sometimes I look to Him between my fingers that are covering up my face as the thought of moving ahead frightens me. But I look. I can't imagine not looking...not seeking...not calling out to Him!

And in spite of the grief that has become an unwanted companion to me now, there are moments of joy.

Joy in watching my four year old playing with his race cars and Thomas trains, crashing them and running them along the carpet.

Joy in listening to my eight year old practicing her piano recital piece (for the ninetieth time=).

Joy in watching my eleven year old helping his baby brother get dress in the morning.

Joy in watching my teenager curled up in the corner of her room writing in her journal.

Joy in the sound of the lock turning in the front door announcing that my precious husband is home.

These joys keep me moving forward when the indescribable grief wants to hold me back. My heart hurts so much for that sweet baby girl, but I am able to find moments of joy in my family that God has blessed me with.

I don't try to understand all these emotions I am experiencing, it exhaust me so. I just have to daily rely on God, but some days are easier than others. Some days I lay things at His feet only to pick them back up because I feel He is not moving fast enough or that He is not doing anything with them. But I do know He is a Holy God . I know He knows about suffering. He knows my suffering.

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"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.." Isaiah 53:3