Changing

It is starting to get cold around here. I am glad to say goodbye to my favorite season, but sad to hello to this new season.

Dale and I went to look at Christmas trees last night. I enjoyed looking at trees but I couldn't make a decision and there was this underlying feeling of sadness that I couldn't shake. Like I wasn't all there.

Lately, I feel like I must move forward for my family--school must been done, papers to be graded, meals to prepare, fights to break up, boo-boos to be kissed--but I feel like I am not all there. Like I am not completely connected. It's not even like I am a couple of steps behind, because I don't have an urge or desire to catch up. It's that I'm just numb, like in a parallel existence. I step out and engage with my family and friends, but a part of me is in this parallel existence of sadness and wanting.

I know God is with me in both states I am in. And that is what is keeping grounded. He is my constant, my Anchor. He doesn't allow me to go too far into forgetting or too far into remembering.

So, this is where I am..."in between":

I want to move forward, but long to stay back.

I desire for the eternal, but miss the temporary.

I grieve as a her mommy, but rejoice as His daughter.

I want to be alone, but crave the company of others.

I cry for the emptiness here on earth, but smile in the fullness of her life in Heaven.

These "in between" times are hard. "Beauty from the ashes, " someone said to me. May I see the beauty in midst of the ashes that sting my eyes.

"We have this hope as as anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19