Multitude Mondays

I am constantly pushed, pulled, stretched, amazed and humbled by this blog and those I meet.  I stumble over my words and sometimes wonder if any of my thoughts connect as I hit the "Publish" button.  I try to pinpoint what emotion I am experiencing and then try to find the words to describe it, only to fall short and usually just walk away.  My prayer journal is full of snippets of verses I run across to further meditate on, groanings, lamentations, praises, streams of consciousness that would make others think I have lost my mind and think it is a book of gibberish. 

But, yet, God hears...He sees...He understands...He knows my thoughts even if I can't think clearly.

This is what I experienced this week.  I had stumbled on the realization through this Bible Study that I have been keeping myself busy, trying to crowd out the grief.  Maybe not intentionally at first, because my busyness had a purpose.  But because it was easier to focus on other things than the hard work God wanted to do in my heart. 

But He knows...He hears...He sees...He understands and He doesn't give up on me because He loves me.

And then I came to a wall.  I felt stuck.  I couldn't go left or right, but had to go back to deal with some things that I fully did not deal with before. 

And it was hard...painful...humbling...

And during this I think in the back of my mind I was wondering where was God?  This was hard work and I did not want to face this alone. The feelings and emotions were so raw and suffocating.  I  thought I was past this stage, but obviously I wasn't.  So I talked to God, even if I didn't feel like He was listening or working or seeing.  And then I remained silent. I stepped away from the computer.  From talking about my grief and just waited on the Lord.

But God was working.  He is working. He did not leave me to deal with this alone. He knew that I needed to go back and work on some things because ultimately that will be part of my healing. 

And  I saw evidence of His working through your comments.
    Through those that caught me by the arm and told me they were praying for me. 
    Those that I felt were lifting up my arms because the battle was continuing and my arms were tired.
    Through the conversation with my husband that showed God was working on both our hearts to take this to the next level.  To continue to do the good work He had started in us.

And then an email came from Trisha @amultitudeofmercies.  A precious sister in Christ that was obedient to God's prompting to reach out to me. 

She stepped out and stepped into my heart.

I cried when I read her email. I knew it was from the Lord as a reminder to me that
He was still working...seeing...understanding...loving. 
Her testimony moved me greatly and gave me the push I needed to take the next step. To not stay stuck.

And then this precious woman asked if she could pray for me...a complete stranger (but not entirely true because she is my sister in Christ)...and then post it on her blog.  I was so humbled and a little nervous and yes, prideful.  I do believe in prayer, but to ask for people to commit to prayer was out of my comfort zone.

But God knows that about me and He still continues to work on my heart...

Her post is up today and I wanted to cry as I read it.  I probably will as I think about it through this week and reread the words she wrote. I stumble over my words, but she didn't.

She wrote with boldness and love.

And she was able to put into words the things of my heart that I couldn't articulate through this fog. I plan to print this out to pray these things over myself.  Her words, I feel are God breathed, and the desires of my heart.

So, this Monday I am so very humbly grateful for Trisha and all those that have said they have been praying for me.  I don't dare to list them for fear I may leave someone out.  But I have not taken their prayers lightly because I have felt those prayers and have felt carried  so many days.

And I am grateful for The Holy Spirit and this reminder:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Romans 8:26

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