Tangled Web

Grief is like a tangled web of emotions.

 This is what I gleaned from my second session in my grief share class two months ago.

And, oh, they were so right on.

I am approaching five months and I thought I was doing well.  I am laughing again.  I am slowly getting back into the activities I had before Rebekah went to Heaven.  But with the change of the seasons, all these emotions are bubbling up that seemed to have been settled for a while. I am starting to grieve all my other losses besides precious Rebekah.

This time last year was when Dale and I went to the doctor for our first ultrasound.  The doctor had the screen turned toward her and just smiled as she let us know that I was indeed pregnant.

Then she turned the screen toward us. There was not one little jelly bean on the screen, but two.  She was perplexed.  We were perplexed.  The one on the bottom of the screen was a little bigger and we saw faint movement (or at least we thought we did).  The top jelly bean, Rebekah, had a perfect heartbeat. What did this mean?

My doctor thought that there were twins and the second baby was not making it.  My heart was crushed.  Here we saw our little faith baby, but also saw a baby that didn't seem to be making it.  I just wanted to reach in my womb and just love that baby. To tell him/her to keep fighting.  To stay here with me.

By the next ultrasound, only Rebekah showed up on the screen. We don't know for sure if that was a twin, but in my heart I believe it was.  So I grieved and my heart ached.  And my heart aches tonight as I remember that loss.

I love this quote that I read today:
"When the dust of my trouble settles, God is standing there next to me, and He has dust on His shoulders because He's been there all along." --Dr Paul David Tripp

God was there with me in that ultrasound room when we received the news that the second baby didn't seem to be making it. 
He was there with me when nine months later we received the news that there was no movement. 
He is here with me now as my heart is heavy and the memories are rushing in. 
He will be with me tomorrow as I get up and start a new day.

But tonight I wonder....

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 13:2